The Hasidic way of dating and marriage (in honor of Valentine)

As Valentine’s day approaches, I was thinking it’s a good time to tell you how my shidduch (a date or match, often leading to marriage. The matching up of a man and a woman for purposes of marriage) went. In the non Jewish world, ours is what you would call an arranged marriage. I dislike that word though because in my mind, that equals a “forced” marriage. And mine, like most others in my community was anything but. At any time you have the option of saying no.

As a girl turns 18, it gives matchmakers a green light to start calling the parents. I belong to a certain Hasidic sect so the suggestions were all going to be eligible young men from the same sect. So, as I turned 18, the phones started ringing with suggestions. If a suggestion sounded promising, my parents went ahead and made many inquiries. As much as the Jewish world is big, it’s actually very small. We quickly found some mutual acquaintances who could tell us more about the boy. We wanted to know about his character traits, is he kind hearted? Is he a messy kind of person? Happy? Helpful? Basically a good person who would make a good husband. We can only do our best and hope the reports we got were truthful. For the first few months none of the suggestions panned out. The boy was either not right for me or they decided I wasn’t right for them.

When I was almost 19, my neighbor from around the block was suggested to me. He was, for our circles, considered a bit older at the ripe age of 23. My father knew him well from the daily prayers at the synagogue. He didn’t need to hear much as he knew him to be a fine young man who was always willing to help others and was known to have a heart of gold. That’s what matters most, doesn’t it?

As I was told of the potential match, my first reaction was NO WAY! I knew the family superficially, I was aware the father had passed away young and left behind the widow and 12 children, I knew they were a very close knit family and you always saw the mom and her daughters together, in their own world.  So I was a bit intimidated. My parents were very interested and thought this would be the perfect guy for me. They agreed to let me to think it over and give them an answer.  After giving it some thought I decided I had no valid reason to say no. So the first step was taken. A meeting was scheduled between the young man’s mother and myself. It was really weird to be meeting someone you know for such an intimate purpose.

My stomach turned as I got ready. But I needn’t have worried. As she saw me she said: “You should know, I’m just as nervous as you”. That put me at ease a little bit. As the conversation progressed, I relaxed and the meeting was actually nice. We talked about all kinds of stuff most of which I barely remember now.

Everything goes through a matchmaker which meant that we went home and waited to hear what the other side had decided. It didn’t take very long for them to let us know that they were interested in continuing and the time has come to set up a date for me to meet the potential groom. Well, date is not really what we had. We call it a b’show which means a sit-in date. We had made up to meet in a friend’s house, on the other side of town so as not to run into anyone we knew.

Most of the ultra orthodox Jews have an average of 5 dates, I am Hasidic which means we do things a bit differently. We have one or two sit-ins after which the couple usually gets engaged. It sounds weird but research has shown that there are no more divorces in our circles than in the rest of the world. This is what I knew, this is how I grew up and this is my normal.

A sit-in in our world is quite intimidating as it’s the first close contact a boy/girl has with the opposite gender as we are separated throughout our childhood. To say the first few minutes were awkward is an understatement. But, it didn’t take long for him to make me feel comfortable and for the conversation to really become enjoyable. We spoke about our families, our time in seminary or Yeshivah (an institution that focuses on teaching Talmud to boys and young men) and other things. We do not talk about the deeper stuff since we both come from the same background, so it’s usually a given that we will be on the same page. We spent a nice few hours together. After the meeting, we both went home.

My parents gave me the option to meet him again the next day. I was young, barely 19 and I probably (most assuredly) didn’t realize what a momentous decision this was. I thought it over, I liked a lot of what I saw. (of how much one could see from one meeting) Besides all the good things I heard about him, he was also nice and had a great sense of humor. I knew how dedicated he was to his widow mom and I could tell he would go through fire for anyone he cares about. I didn’t think I would find out much more by a second meeting and I didn’t want to spend the night not sleeping from nerves. So my decision was made. I would marry that guy.Since the parents had already taken care of the other important stuff like discussions about money among others,  I happily told my parents to go ahead and let the other side know and after the matchmaker called to tell us he wanted to marry me too, we got officially engaged.

It’s true, we do actually get married to a stranger and there usually isn’t such a thing as falling in love. We just work harder at making our marriage grow and the love as a result is a deep, long lasting one. I’m happy to report that after 18 years, I’m still very happily in love and our marriage isn’t any different than any of yours. My dear husband is everything I thought he was; caring, heart of gold, great sense of humor  and does everything for me and the kids.

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65 thoughts on “The Hasidic way of dating and marriage (in honor of Valentine)”

  1. This was fascinating to me. I can only imagine how fun it must be to find out things about each other, big and small as you embark on this most serious of committments together, step by step, hand in hand. I have had conversations with friends about the pro’s and con’s of an “arranged” ableit agreed upon marraige. I am happy to hear yours has passed the test of time and that you are still so happy together. Thanks for sharing, lass.

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    1. Thanks! There WAS a strong stigma, unfortunately there has been a strong rise in divorces in our community…I attribute it a bit though to the generation of today, people are taking marriage a bit less seriously, don’t want to work too hard (you know, instant gratification and so on..

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  2. This is a very interesting read. Obviously, I am from a different culture so I have no personal experience for your arrangement. However, I am glad that it worked out and you are happy with your marriage.

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  3. Wow. This is so interesting to me. I am (admittedly) completely uncultured when it comes to traditions, religions, ways of life outside of my own and it’s really eye-opening to learn about these cultural differences. I love hearing that you and your husband are still happily married 18 years later…I bet having a close-knit community where everyone knows how the potential match with pair with someone else is actually really helpful so you don’t end up with someone completely unsuited to you. Congratulations on many happy years of marriage…that is quite an accomplishment in any culture these days.

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    1. Thanks for reading Melissa! yes, since it’s such a close knit community, the matches are usually (though not always) well suited. This doesn’t mean marriage isn’t hard work 😉

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  4. How fascinating! I think marriage is hard no matter how it happens, if you want to keep it together you both need to give 100%. Kudos to you for your hard work and thanks for letting us into your life for a little bit!

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  5. You are being quite brave putting that up there – its a lovely story – but not all “arranged’ marriages are as good as yours – I’m glad it worked out for you! Have a good valentine’s

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  6. As a modern Orthodox Jew I appreciated you revealing such an intimate part of your life to us. While I completely understand the resume and shadchan part of the equation, as the mother of a newly divorced daughter I am scared to death. Her chossen seemed perfect on so many levels. He verbally and emotionally abused her right from the beginning. It was only a year in that she told us. His rabbeim eventually told us that they knew he wasn’t such a nice boy.
    I am so happy that bh your marraige is good. This is a very beautifully written post and I look forward to reading more in the future.

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    1. Thanks for reading! Yes, it is scary and you need s’yattah d’shmaya too 🙂 But there are NO more divorces by us than by the rest of the world. The exact same thing can happen by the non Jews too.

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  7. Very interesting. But I’m curious. Although you didn’t know your husband before the met, you knew of him. Did you know what he looked like? I realise looks of course aren’t everything and we usually forget what people look like once we fall in love with the person. But would you have married him if you weren’t attracted to him at all? Is physical attraction important? I don’t really just mean looks but chemistry, the thing that usually draws us to people?

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  8. Yes I had read this when you posted it! Your sit ins are so similar to the arranged marriage meet ups on our culture… I remember seeing them happen with my cousins, 20-30 years ago!!!! I love learning about different cultures!!

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  9. Thank you sweet sunflowe, for this fascinating look into a very personal way of how your marriage came to be. In the end whether it’s through a matchmaker, family members, or two people meeting for the first time, it takes love and respect to make any relationship work. After 18 years and children to add to that circle I believe you’re a success at all the above. ❤️🌻

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  10. Interesting and informative. I tried to observe the Orthodox dating thing, and even took on shomer negiah for a month once in high school but I had too many male friends and classmates so it turned out to be a complete misfire.

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